self talk, part 2

Annndddd … now Happy August. Holy hell, how did that happen?

How are you doing on your New Year’s Day goals, btw? Because 2020 is only 5 months away. JK you guys. I’m not here today to come at you for that. But, another day, mark my word. 

I tried my experiment today. And something completely unexpected happened. I thought it would be a steady stream of trash thoughts all day, per usual. What really happened is:  I GOT OUT OF MY HEAD.

Not only was it one of the best days I’ve had at work in months, but I didn’t judge myself and I didn’t judge others. Well, except for the guy who was literally going 52 MPH in a 60 zone on 64 West this morning. DUDE, get out of the way! Other than that guy, it was a chill day in my head.

My day and thoughts started out normal. I finished the post this morning and I was like oh no I’m late. Shocker. Not news at all. I knew I had need to get ready really fast. But then I remembered I had to send my friend a text of a photo from Saturday night. We ran into her at The HofGarden. I was hanging with Soni and Fats (you know those OGs from this post) and we ran into Gen from work. It was truly a rooftop bar love-fest. Also meet Gen everybody. She is the cutie in the stripes in the middle of the header photo and she throws epic Bachelorette viewing parties.

When I sent Gen the pic, I caught myself saying “wow I look old as f$#&” and “wow that arm is big” and other general aggressive thoughts. There is strike one. I wrote this down on my list. This was the first entry. I was excited. This was going to be a super fun experiment, I thought.

Here we go. Initial thought, then edited thought:

1) Angry thoughts toward photo of self.
1-V2) Damn we look happy, what a fun night. (Right?) Or oh, you look like someone surrounded by friends who love you and also like you’re having a sweet a$$ weekend. Or any number of 1000 other fun things.

Next. As I was still late for work, I was rushing around trying to grab an easy outfit. I had zero time and I thought oh I loved my outfit from last night’s happy hour with Lee and Kristy. I know that is cute, it’s easy, and I can throw it on in less than 3 seconds. (Also, for the record, I wore it for about 2 hours max and it was clean to begin with, so calm down everybody.) Then, I found myself saying out loud “That is disgusting” as if I have the paparazzi following me around 24/7 documenting my outfit for every event of my life. As if I am the FLOTUS and some sort of closet attendant is going to serve my Wednesday outfit to me on a silver platter with pressed white gloves because I am late for work to ensure that nobody on the planet has ever seen these clothes in this exact combination prior to today. Nope and nope.

2) Angry thoughts toward outfit.
2-V2) Oh that was super cute and I loved how I felt in it. (Easy)

As I was plowing down the stairs of my apartment to my car, I was thinking something along the lines of “Get your $h!t together” which I mutter hundreds of times throughout the day. It doesn’t really help, tbh.

3) Angry thoughts toward general life skills.
3-V2) There is nothing we can really do about this in the moment, so let’s make better decisions tomorrow. Like this quote: Do something today that your future self will thank you for. 

I got to work thinking I was going to have reams of angry thoughts. But the opposite happened. I was more carefree than I’ve been in a while. Less weighed down. And felt fully in the moment. As much as I possibly can be in the given work situation.

Have you ever heard that repeating the same thought over and over – positive or negative – eventually creates a groove in your brain? It is true. As noted in this article about creating positive grooves, “future thoughts automatically return to the familiar grooves in the brain.” So, repeating the same self-defeating thoughts is like setting an easy binge watching session for your brain. It is essentially giving your brain a big cushy couch, a fat glass of wine and its favorite season of Stranger Things. Except for that season is just bashing yourself over and over again. And that is not cute.

Despite my normal patterns at the start of my day, I stepped out of my own way when I got to work. Perhaps it’s likened to when you decide to track your food intake and suddenly your diet improves. Or maybe it was the perfect storm of all the good things happening before today: having yesterday off to rest and recover, writing a blog post and reconnecting with people, being more aware of my thoughts going into my day, wearing a cute outfit I love. There is never just one solution. All I know is the annoying, broken record in my head did not play yesterday.

I felt present and engaged. I felt more part of my team. I laughed through the day with co-workers and clients, which I have not done at work in months. I was relaxed. And on a deeper level, I had a realization that I am not special or entitled. I am in this job as a result of all of my actions leading up to this point in my life. This idea will certainly be expanded in a future post, but that realization was unbelievably enlightening today. Not listening to the same old boring story and thoughts in my head allowed for me to have new and fresh thoughts. Productive thoughts. And, yes Gen, this was definitely very Marie Kondo of me. ♥

Simply being more aware of how you speak to yourself is key. That sounds obvious when I type it, but I don’t think we realize how much of our thoughts we allow to be had out of habit rather than intention.

I’m dying to know – did any of you guys try this yesterday? If so, what were your results? Leave a comment here, text me, email me, message me on Insta, send me a carrier pigeon. I really want to know if anyone else had an impact from this. If not, keep trying every day.

Also, love this pic. Three adorable girls having a total blast. Love you guys.

Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory.♥ -Dr. Seuss

Have an awesome day, ♥channing

One thought on “self talk, part 2

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  1. I don’t know how to respond to this because it feels like a tidal wave of emotions.
    Don’t even start the I feel old mentality you are 10 years away from actually seeing the shocking differences so do what i did not do 5 years ago and LOVE HOW HOW YOU LOOK. I look at photos of 5 years ago and I’m like wow I’m doing something right. Sadly shit happened surgeries happened transplant happened and nothing will age you faster than medical drama, you know a transplant things that keep you alive, and the side effects of the meds. I wish I could smack the Adriana of 2015 when I looked AMAZING.. Lessons learned a little too late. So sure now I focus on ‘I’m alive’ and for what I have gone through I look ‘OK”. I’ve had 3 years on insane change and lessons and bitterness and grateful and every emotion known to mankind. I navigated all if it by pounding the streets 2 to 4 hours every night and realizing I was ‘the winner’ even if I felt otherwise. I know I have a unique category ‘genetic incurable disease’ which pushed me to face my fears much quicker than is natural. I’ve had to look in the mirror with 16 inch incision running across my abs. A body that has never betrayed me. Yes I know I had good skin, Yes I know I had a fit body and Yes I know I looked good (for my age or before my ‘age’). But I had to face the changes past 3 years and that has been my biggest challenged. This person I live with calls me FEARLESS GIRL the statue in NYC. It is true losing everything that made me feel secure and good about myself was disrupted and my options were to sink or swim. I have no idea what people think life should be but all it is is series of GREAT MOMENTS, moments of self discovery, moments of deep darkness and all that matters is the light shines again. You are way too hard on yourself. Let me dare to say women who are born attractive (which seems to be all my friends) are going to struggle more and more as the years go by because we will not remain the same and you must build your inner strength and be more than ‘the job, the looks’ and all that shit we love :) I have no idea what I am saying at this point but self talk is to remind yourself where you have been, the choices you make , the way you deal with adversity and how you deal with every waking hour. It is a few good days, some great moments and some blah days. THIS IS LIFE. I cannot meet my standards of AMAZING 24/7. It is exhausting. I know I m wired that way but 2019 has been about just FCKING LETTING GO FOR GODS SAKE JUST TO BE HAPPY I AM ALIVE and that my hair grew back after my surgeries. It’s so tough to be amazing and perfect all the time. It’s not NORMAL. The End. :) Such an Adriana ramble from the heart no thoughts about how ridiculous I will sound in the morning. You are an amazing human Channing. Period.

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